Navigating Relationships: Understanding Your Attachment Style
Updated: Oct 20
The first two years of life are crucial for the development of attachment, which is an emotional connection between a baby and their primary carer, usually a parent or other family member. As it offers a sense of security and comfort and affects how the child interacts with others and views themselves, this bond is essential for the child's emotional, social and psychological development. The attachment relationship serves as the model for all subsequent relationships because children internalise their interactions with attachment figures and use them as a guide.
How attachment styles are formed
Attachment styles are made up of a complex mix of nature and nurture, with early childhood experiences and relationships playing a big role. Decades of scientific research have shown that the theory of attachment is valid and important for understanding how people act and interact with each other (Bowlby, 1969).
Attachment styles are a big part of how we relate to other people and are shaped by our relationships with our primary caregivers, especially when we are young. They are like an internal map that guides our behaviour and emotional responses in close relationships.
Early caregiving can influence expectations of comfort and closeness. A secure pattern may involve confidence that support is available. This does not require a caregiver to be perfectly responsive all the time.
Insecure patterns can develop for different reasons. A description of your adult relationships cannot establish what happened in childhood or assign blame to a caregiver.
There are three main types of insecure attachment: anxious, avoidant and disorganised.
Anxious patterns may involve worry about rejection or seeking reassurance. Avoidant patterns may involve stepping back from closeness. Some people notice conflicting wishes to seek and avoid connection. These are broad descriptions, not diagnoses, fixed personality types or a complete picture of a relationship.
It's important to note that attachment styles aren't set in stone and can change over time. For example, a person with an insecure attachment style may learn new relationship skills and develop a more secure style later in life - it is called an earned secure attachment style.
What is earned secure attachment?
Earned secure attachment refers to the process of developing a secure attachment style through self-reflection, healing and positive experiences in relationships.
An insecure attachment style that was developed in childhood has the potential to transform into a secure attachment style. Later in life, a person can develop a sense of earned security if they have had positive experiences in relationships with other people, made conscious changes in their thinking style and behaviour, made sense of the experiences they've had in the past and healed inner wounds.
Even if you grow up in a dysfunctional family, for example, you can still have a secure attachment style that you've earned.
Think about a child who has endured verbal or physical abuse at the hands of their caregiver. Even though they had been hurt, they may have grown close to a teacher, family member or mentor who gave them love, security and support.
A supportive relationship may help someone experience trust in a different way. One example cannot predict a lifelong attachment pattern or show exactly how change happened.
How to earn a secure attachment
There are several treatments and strategies for healing insecure attachment styles, including:
Psychotherapy: Long-term psychotherapy can help you understand and transform your attachment style into a more secure one. Talking therapies can also help you learn new ways to get along with other people, boost your self-esteem and address past trauma.
Self-reflection and mindfulness: Practising mindfulness and self-reflection can help you understand your patterns of behaviour in relationships and develop a greater sense of self-awareness.
Improving communication skills: Improving communication skills, such as active listening and effective assertiveness, can help you better express your needs and emotions in relationships.
Developing a support network: Building a supportive network of friends and family can provide a source of emotional stability and help us feel less dependent on our romantic partners.
Couples therapy: Couple therapy can be helpful in working through attachment-related issues within the relationship and improve the communication and relationship skills.
Patterns can change, and therapy may offer space to understand them. Timing and outcomes differ. Difficulty changing is not a failure of effort.
To sum up
Understanding our own attachment style is a crucial step in developing healthy, fulfilling relationships. Our early childhood experiences and relationships with primary caregivers shape our attachment style and influence our behaviours in future relationships.
An attachment questionnaire can be a starting point for reflection, not a diagnosis or a definitive label. Consider the context of each relationship rather than relying on a quiz result.
By becoming aware of our patterns and learning new relationship skills, we can work on healing our attachment style and making stronger, more secure connections with other people. Whether it's through therapy, self-reflection or personal growth activities, the path to a more secure attachment style is one of self-discovery, growth and healing.
You are allowed to explore different ways of relating without needing to become a perfectly secure version of yourself.
If you're ready to attend to your attachment wounds in a safe therapeutic space, contact me - we can book a free initial consultation to discuss details.
You can begin when you have enough support and space to do so.
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