How to Develop an Earned Secure Attachment Style
Updated: Oct 20
According to attachment theory, our ability to create and maintain good relationships throughout our lives is shaped by the connections we make with our primary carers when we are young.
Attachment language can help you reflect on closeness, trust and independence. Secure, anxious, avoidant and disorganised are descriptions used in different attachment frameworks, rather than fixed boxes or medical diagnoses. Your way of relating may vary across relationships and over time. An attachment description cannot tell you whether you will develop a physical illness.
In this article, I explore what developing greater security in relationships might involve. You can use these ideas as questions to consider, without needing to identify with a particular attachment category.
The definition of a secure attachment style
Individuals with a secure attachment style have a positive view of themselves and others. They possess the confidence to freely communicate their emotions and expectations. Securely attached adults feel at ease when forming emotional connections with their partners and have trust in their partner's ability to offer them support.
Responsive care can support an infant’s sense of security. Development involves many influences, and a brief account of childhood cannot establish someone’s attachment history or predict their future relationships.
The definition of an insecure attachment style
People who have an insecure attachment style, on the other hand, could have trouble establishing an emotional connection, communication and trust. Avoidant attachment, anxious and disorganised attachment are the three types of insecure attachment patterns.
You may notice that closeness sometimes feels demanding or that you protect yourself by becoming more independent. There can be different reasons for this. We can explore your experience without assuming a single cause.
You may notice yourself seeking reassurance or feeling frightened by distance. Those feelings deserve attention without using them to label you or draw conclusions about a caregiver.
Those with a disorganised attachment style may struggle with emotional regulation, experience high levels of anxiety and stress and have difficulty trusting and forming healthy relationships with others. Some common characteristics of individuals with a disorganised attachment style include a tendency to swing between feelings of closeness and avoidance in their relationships, a fear of rejection or abandonment and a tendency to rely on defence mechanisms such as avoidance or aggression in response to stress or emotional triggers.
The definition of an earned secure attachment style
Earned security is a term used in attachment research and clinical discussion. Here, I use it to explore the possibility of developing a more secure relationship with yourself and others over time.
Supportive relationships, reflection and therapy can offer opportunities to explore how you approach trust and closeness. The work is individual: there is no required sequence, deadline or promise of a particular attachment classification.
How to create a secure earned attachment style
Change can include more choice about boundaries, asking for support and responding to conflict. Working on your own patterns does not guarantee a particular attachment outcome for you or your children.
“What happens when people open their hearts?" "They get better.” ― Haruki Murakami
The suggestions below are invitations for reflection. You can choose what feels relevant and leave what does not fit.
You do not have to complete every suggestion or do this work alone.
Develop a positive perception of the self
Creating an earned secure attachment style involves altering our self-perception and creating a positive self-image. By identifying and working through negative self-perceptions, individuals can learn to view themselves in a more positive and compassionate light, leading to a greater sense of self-worth and confidence.
Make intentional changes in your thought patterns and behaviours
To earn security, It's crucial that we make intentional changes to our behaviour and cognitive habits, i.e. unhelpful ideas, beliefs and judgements. This involves identifying negative patterns that may be interfering with our ability to form healthy relationships and replacing them with healthier alternatives. For example, if someone struggles with trust issues due to past negative experiences, they may need to consciously work on developing trust in their relationships, such as through open and honest communication with their partner. This may also involve setting boundaries, learning to express emotions in a healthy way and recognizing and challenging negative thought patterns that may be hindering their ability to form secure attachments.
Reflect on early life experiences
You may choose to explore earlier relationships and the meaning they hold for you now. You do not have to recover memories or revisit distressing experiences before you can begin receiving support.
Take a look at your previous relationships
Consider your previous relationships, taking into account your attachment style there. What trends did you discover? Did you have a tendency to cling to your companions or keep your distance? What caused these patterns in the first place? You may move forward and make adjustments by determining the underlying cause of these behaviours.
Prioritise developing trusting relationships
In other words - be selective about the people you surround yourself with and nurture these relationships. Creating an earned sense of security requires building trust, mutual respect and emotional closeness with people that are important in your life.
Make room for emotions
Feeling more secure does not require perfect emotional control. It may involve noticing your feelings, having support with them and choosing how to respond when you have enough space to do so.
Develop effective communication techniques
Any healthy partnership needs to have good communication. You can have better, more meaningful relationships with people if you can talk about your needs and feelings in an open and effective way. Feeling safe enough with your partner to communicate your fears, needs and expectations is essential for building trust and forming a healthy relationship. When you can be vulnerable and honest with your partner, it creates a sense of intimacy and connection that can strengthen your bond and help you both grow together.
Excellent communication requires:
Active listening: This involves giving our full attention to what the other person is saying, being present in the moment, and responding in a way that shows we understand and care.
Nonverbal communication: This includes facial expressions, tone of voice and body language, which can often convey more meaning than words.
Empathy: This involves putting ourselves in the other person's shoes and understanding their perspective, thoughts and feelings.
Clarity and honesty: It's important to express our thoughts and feelings clearly and honestly without being hurtful or defensive.
Seek out therapy
In therapy, we can explore how you experience connection, distance and support. We agree a way of working together rather than assuming that every difficulty has the same origin.
Embarking on a journey to create an earned secure attachment style using therapy is a powerful and transformative experience that can bring about significant positive changes in your life. Through this process, you can learn to rework negative attachment patterns and replace them with healthier ones that allow you to form secure and fulfilling relationships.
You might notice changes in how you speak about your needs or decide whom to trust. Therapy does not promise improved finances, career success or protection from physical illness.
To sum up
Attachment styles are deeply ingrained in our psyches and can impact our relationships for years to come. However, it's important to remember that our attachment style is not set in stone. We can develop an earned secure attachment style through intentional work on ourselves and our relationships.
Reflection, communication and supportive relationships can be part of exploring greater security. Progress can be uneven and personal, with room to return to familiar difficulties.
If you would like support with these themes, a first conversation can help you consider whether my approach fits. We can discuss pace, boundaries and what you hope to understand.
We all deserve to feel loved, safe and truly fulfilled in our relationships.
If you're ready to transform your insecure attachment style into a secure one, or wish to explore how attachment theory impacts your life, get in touch with me - I’ll be honoured to help!
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