Why You’re Struggling to Stay Present (and Why It’s Not Your Personality)
- Dorota Podjaska
- Dec 5, 2025
- 3 min read
Updated: 7 days ago
So many women tell me the same thing:
“I want to live in the present moment… but no matter what I do, I can’t.”
If you’re struggling to stay present, constantly bouncing between guilt about the past and anxiety about the future, you’re not alone... and you’re not broken.
In fact, there’s a deeply human, trauma-informed reason your mind won’t stay here. And it has nothing to do with discipline, mindset or “not trying hard enough.” It has everything to do with your nervous system and the patterns you learned in childhood.
When being present feels impossible, you may notice familiar patterns:
In the past, you feel…
Guilt about what you did.
Shame about what you didn’t do.
Resentment over situations you “should” have handled better.
Frustration that you can’t please everyone.
In the future, you feel…
Worry and over-planning.
Obsessing over outcomes.
Attaching meaning to how things “should” unfold.
Disappointment when reality doesn’t match your expectations.
It’s exhausting.
And without realising it, most of your time on Earth gets spent anywhere but now. But this isn’t about poor focus or a lack of mindfulness. This is survival coding.
Why Staying Present Feels Unsafe
From a trauma-informed perspective, difficulty staying present is a learned adaptation, not a flaw.
In childhood, you didn’t just learn how to behave; you learned what it meant to feel safe.
You absorbed your caregivers’ worlds through:
How they treated each other.
What they feared.
What they prioritised.
How they coped.
How they modelled stress.
The roles you were expected to play in the family system.
Over time, you learned that doing was the currency of safety:
Doing kept you in control.
Doing earned approval or praise.
Doing reduced tension in the home.
Doing made adults less overwhelmed.
Doing gave you a sense of belonging.
But nobody taught you how to be.
Nobody taught you that rest is safe. That slowness is allowed. That you can be worthy without performing. Or that presence isn’t something you must earn.
So now, as an adult, your nervous system continues these old patterns:
✨ Analysing the past to prevent future pain.
✨ Controlling the future to feel secure.
✨ Avoiding the present because it feels unfamiliar or vulnerable.
You live in the past and future as a way to survive, not because it’s who you are.
Familiar Doesn’t Mean Healthy
One of the greatest misunderstandings is believing:
“It’s just my personality.”
But it’s not.
These patterns - overthinking, future-tripping, guilt, perfectionism, hypervigilance are not traits. They are programmes. Old, outdated ones.
You’re not “bad at being present.” Your system simply does not associate presence with safety.
And here’s the empowering truth:
Anything learned can be unlearned. Anything conditioned can be rewired. Anything familiar can be replaced with something healthier.
Your body is not your enemy - it’s doing what it was taught to do.
Becoming Present Again Is Not a Mindset Shift - It’s a Nervous System Shift
You can’t think your way into presence. You must feel your way back into it.
Presence becomes available when:
Your nervous system is regulated.
Relational patterns are repaired.
Your inner child feels safe.
You experience being, not just doing.
Your body trusts slowing down.
You’re not bracing for impact.
This is slow, gentle, deeply embodied work. But it’s possible and life-changing.
You don’t have to live suspended between yesterday and tomorrow. You are allowed to inhabit the now with softness, confidence and ease.
Remember that transformation is not a race.
Each step you take towards presence is a step towards wholeness. You might find yourself feeling emotions you’ve long buried. That’s okay. Embrace them.
You can create a new narrative for yourself. One where you are grounded in the present. One where you can acknowledge your feelings without judgement.
If this resonates with you and you’re ready to shift the patterns that keep you out of the present, I’d love to support you in that work.
You can be successful and deeply grounded, joyful and emotionally free. Presence begins with your nervous system and you do not have to do this alone.
Love and care,
Dorota
Psychotherapist and Hypnotherapist
Founder of Holistic Transformative Therapy
Get in touch
📱 mobile: 07849 580021
📸 Insta: @holistictransformativetherapy
📘 Facebook: Holistic Transformative Therapy
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