When Acceptance Has to Be Earned
- Dorota Podjaska
- Sep 19
- 3 min read
Some of us had to earn belonging without even realising it
For many of us, acceptance wasn’t freely given - it had to be earned. Maybe it looked like excelling at school to feel appreciated. Maybe it was keeping your appearance just right to avoid criticism. Or perhaps it was stepping into the role of the helper to be valued and included.
At the time, it felt normal. It was simply the air we breathed. But underneath, a powerful lesson was forming: “I belong when I achieve. I’m valued when I please. I’m safe when I meet expectations.”
The hidden lesson: conditions of worth
Psychologist Carl Rogers described this as “conditions of worth.” Instead of feeling accepted unconditionally, children learn that they are only valued when they act in certain ways.
For example:
“I’m good when I bring home good grades.”
“I’m lovable when I keep the peace.”
“I matter when I look a certain way.”
These conditions of worth become deeply embedded in our sense of self. They shape the way we see the world and our place in it.
Conditional acceptance becomes conditional self-worth
When acceptance is tied to performance, it plants shaky roots. As adults, this might show up as:
Staying late at work to prove your value.
Feeling responsible for your partner’s moods.
Constantly comparing your appearance to others.
Experiencing success as relief, rather than genuine pride.
These patterns don’t mean you’re broken. They mean your younger self absorbed the message that worth must be earned.
Can you remember?
Think back for a moment. Do you remember the anxiety of forgetting something at school? Or the shame of not doing what your parents expected? Perhaps the response wasn’t loud anger, but silence, withdrawal or subtle rejection. That piercing fear of “I’ve failed” stays in the body.
It might have seemed small, even innocent, but the message lands deep: “I’m not safe unless I get it right.”
Why this happens: what research shows
By the age of seven, children have already formed the core beliefs that will shape their identity. Much of this comes from what parents say, do and model often without meaning to.
Most parents don’t intend harm. They are often carrying their own wounds and unmet needs. In trying to guide or protect, they unintentionally pass down conditions of worth.
The result? Adults who appear competent and high-achieving on the outside, but quietly battle anxiety, perfectionism, people-pleasing or the haunting sense of never being quite enough.
Healing the wound of earned acceptance
Here’s the good news: conditioning is not a life sentence. The conditions of worth you learned as a child don’t have to define you now.
Through therapeutic approaches such as inner child healing, attachment repair and parts work, you can begin to meet the younger parts of yourself - the ones still carrying the weight of conditional acceptance.
When those parts are finally met with compassion, safety and presence, something profound happens: self-worth begins to grow from within. Acceptance no longer depends on achievement or pleasing others. It becomes a state of being.
If any of this resonates, know this: you were always worthy of belonging. You do not need to keep earning it.
Healing takes gentleness, courage and support, but it is possible. And as you release those old conditions of worth, you’ll find a peace and authenticity that feels like finally coming home. Love and light,
Dorota
Psychotherapist and Hypnotherapist
Founder of Holistic Transformative Therapy
Get in touch
📱mobile: 07849 580021
📸Insta: @holistictransformativetherapy
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