Grieving the Mother You Never Had (But Deserved)

This is a big one. So before you read on - get comfy, pour yourself a warm cup of tea, take a deep breath and know that you are safe here.

Our relationship with our mother is one of the most foundational in our lives. It begins even before we’re born - through the womb, through the emotional atmosphere we’re surrounded by from the start. It forms the blueprint of how we attach, how we feel about ourselves and how safe we believe the world is.

Whether you were raised by a mother who was nurturing and present or one who was inconsistent, unavailable, controlling or selfish - this relationship shapes everything.

And yet, we don’t talk enough about the grief that can come with mother loss, not just through death, but through emotional absence, neglect or unmet needs.This kind of grief is invisible, unspoken. But it lives in the body. It shows up in how we love, how we care for ourselves, how we parent and how we relate to others.

What is this grief?

We usually associate grief with losing someone through death. But grief is much more than that. It’s a natural emotional response to losing something or someone we valued deeply.

That might be:

• The ability to run after an injury

• A home we once loved

• A best friend who faded from our life

• Or... the mother we never had, but realise maybe only now that we deserved.
  

This grief often lives under the surface. It can feel like sadness, anger, confusion, guilt, loneliness, relief or even shame. But underneath it all, it’s a kind of heartbreak. A heartbreak for the child we once were and what she / he / they didn’t get.

The Mother You Deserved

You may have longed for a mum who:

• Sang you to sleep

• Showed up to every school play

• Was emotionally stable and sober

• Told you she loved you every single day

• Prioritised you

• Accepted you exactly as you were

• Played with you, laughed with you

• Protected you and taught you right from wrong

• Believed you, supported you, truly saw you

• Surprised you with small acts of love

• Was gentle and strong

• Smelled like home and safety
  

That mother - that deep, soul-level nurturing is something every child deserves. Including you.

When She’s Still Alive (But Emotionally Absent)

Letting go of the hope that your mother will change is one of the hardest parts of this journey. It’s especially painful when she’s still alive but hasn’t acknowledged the pain she caused. She may not have taken responsibility, offered a real apology or made lasting changes.

Being in a relationship with that kind of parent can feel like walking on a minefield. You might feel like you have to do all the work – keeping the peace, shrinking yourself, managing her moods just to feel a moment of calm.

And you know, deep down, that staying close often means abandoning parts of yourself.

You might be dealing with a mum who’s:

• Emotionally controlling

• Codependent and boundary-less

• Chronically angry or reactive

• Narcissistic and invalidating
  

If any of that resonates - you're not alone. Many of us carry this hope: “If I just work harder, if I heal more, if I’m good enough, she’ll change”. It’s the echo of a child who kept trying to earn love.

First Steps to Begin Grieving the Mother You Never Had Grieving the mother you never had isn’t about blame - it’s about telling the truth to yourself, for yourself. The first step is allowing yourself to name what was missing: the emotional safety, comfort, understanding or unconditional presence you might have longed for. Validating those unmet needs helps you acknowledge the child within who still aches for love, protection and attunement. Here are a few powerful steps to begin this work:

1. Name What Was Missing

Start by making space for your truth. What didn’t you get that you needed? Was it emotional safety? Unconditional acceptance? Encouragement? Being held during hard moments? It may feel painful, even disloyal, to admit what your parent couldn’t give. But naming the unmet needs is a core part of moving through grief. This is not about blaming - it’s about seeing clearly so healing can begin.

2. Validate the Child Within You

So many of us were taught to minimise our pain - to say “it wasn’t that bad” or “other people had it worse.” But your inner child doesn’t need comparison. They need to know their pain is real and makes sense. Offer them the compassion and understanding they didn’t receive then. Acknowledge their heartbreak. Tell them: It wasn’t your fault. You deserved so much more.

3. Allow the Grief to Come

Grief is not linear. It may come in waves - sadness one day, anger the next, maybe numbness or confusion in between. All of these responses are valid. Try not to push them away. The grief of mother loss is a full-body, full-heart process. Journaling, talking to a trusted friend, creating rituals or letting yourself cry are all healing acts.

4. Set Boundaries Without Guilt

If your mother is still in your life, part of healing may include setting (or strengthening) boundaries. This might mean limiting contact, being clearer about what behaviours you won’t tolerate or giving yourself permission to step back altogether. Boundaries are not punishments. They are the loving protection your inner child never had.

5. Let Go of the Fantasy

Many of us hold tightly to the hope that one day our parent will change, show up or finally see us. Letting go of that fantasy can feel like another loss. But it’s also incredibly liberating. It creates space for real relationships - ones where you are valued and seen. And it allows you to begin building the inner mother within yourself - one who is attuned, loving and reliable.

6. Seek Spaces That Feel Safe and Restorative

Healing these wounds is not something you have to do alone. Whether it’s therapy, a support group, a nurturing friendship or quiet moments of self-reflection - seek out spaces that allow you to feel safe, seen and held. Healing thrives in environments where there is no pressure to perform, prove or pretend.

Therapy as a Healing Ground

In therapy, we often talk about the concept of a "corrective emotional experience". A therapist, is not there to replace your mother - but to offer something that might feel like what she couldn’t give you.

A safe, consistent, nurturing space. A place where your voice matters. Where you don’t have to prove for worth or walk on eggshells.

Over time, this relationship can help you build a new internal experience - a wise, loving, grounded inner parent who can meet the needs of your inner child. Someone inside you who says: I see you. I love you. I’ve got you.

This is the reparenting journey - the heart of inner child healing. It’s where things begin to shift, slowly and gently. From survival... to wholeness. From grieving… to growing.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

If you’re navigating this kind of grief, please know - your feelings are valid. Your experiences matter. You deserved more. You always did.

Therapy can help you process this grief and begin to reclaim your sense of self, safety and inner strength. It can help activate the inner healer within you - the part that knows you are lovable, worthy and whole.

You are not broken. You are becoming. Love and light,

Dorota

Hypnotherapist and counsellor

Founder of Holistic Transformative Therapy

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