Is It Love Bombing or Are They Just Really Into You?
- Dorota Podjaska
- 7 days ago
- 5 min read
Updated: 5 days ago
There’s a moment many people know well.
You’ve just met someone and suddenly everything feels electric. The texts are constant. The connection feels intense, intimate, almost fated.
You feel seen in a way you haven’t for a long time.
And then the question quietly appears:
Is this real connection… or am I being love bombed?
Love-bombing is a pattern of behaviour in which excessive affection, attention, praise or declarations of love are used to rapidly create emotional dependence and override boundaries.
Intense early attraction and neurochemical reactions are normal in new relationships; they are not by themselves evidence of manipulation. What differentiates love-bombing is how the emotional tempo and behavioural patterns affect autonomy and boundaries.
To understand why love-bombing and genuine connection can feel so similar at first, we need to look at what’s happening inside the brain and nervous system and why this distinction is especially difficult if you have a trauma or anxious attachment history.
The Immediate “Chemical High”: Why Both Feel the Same at First
Early attraction and love bombing share a neurochemical origin.
Both flood the brain with a potent cocktail of hormones:
Dopamine - the reward chemical Creates pleasure, anticipation, motivation and craving. This is why attention can feel intoxicating... even addictive.
Oxytocin - the bonding hormone Increases trust, emotional openness and a sense of closeness and safety.
Norepinephrine & serotonin shifts Responsible for butterflies, heightened energy, racing thoughts and emotional focus.
This is why early dating can feel euphoric. And why love bombing is so effective.
Behavioural Indicators of Love-Bombing
These patterns are not about single gestures, but about repetition, pressure and impact over time.
Pressure to commit or escalate quickly For example: being pushed to define the relationship, move in or make long-term plans before you feel ready.
Excessive communication beyond mutual pace For example: constant messaging or checking in that feels intrusive rather than connecting.
Resistance or discomfort when boundaries are expressed For example: guilt, sulking or emotional withdrawal when you ask to slow down.
Future commitments expressed before relational depth exists
For example: talking about marriage, children or lifelong plans within days of meeting.
Disproportionate gifts or attention relative to the stage of the relationship For example: extravagant gifts or grand gestures that feel overwhelming rather than thoughtful.
It’s important to emphasise that not every grand gesture, early commitment, or fast-moving relationship is a red flag. Some relationships do move quickly and remain healthy. The distinguishing factor is not speed, but whether boundaries are respected, behaviour is consistent over time and decisions are made collaboratively rather than under pressure.
Pacing Is the Tell: Slow Burn vs. Fast Flood
The difference isn’t necessarily the chemicals themselves but how quickly the system is pushed into intense activation without grounding and mutual pacing. Genuine attraction
Chemical build-up is gradual
Trust is earned over time
The prefrontal cortex (logic, discernment, reality-testing) stays accessible
You can think clearly, notice red flags and pace yourself
Love bombing
Intensity arrives too fast
Intimacy is rushed before safety exists
The brain becomes overstimulated
Critical thinking can be temporarily reduced
This is the biological version of “love is blind".
Because your system is flooded. It’s not romance. It’s overwhelm.
How It Feels in the Body
Love bombing often feels like:
Quick intensity
Emotional intimacy without really knowing each other
Big promises before consistent behaviour
A sense of being pulled in or controlled rather than choosing freely
Genuine interest feels like:
Curiosity without urgency
Warmth without overwhelm
Consistency over performance
Space for your pace, boundaries and autonomy
A Story That Makes This Real
I’m thinking of Alice - a woman I knew a long time ago.
Alice dated women.
Her relationships often began with intensity that felt intoxicating. One partner gave her a gold necklace after their third date, another booked a weekend in the Lake District within the first month and spoke early about forever.
Alice felt chosen. Deeply seen. But her body told a different story.
She couldn’t sleep. Her appetite disappeared. She checked her phone constantly - not from excitement, but from anxiety or relief. Every time the attention dipped, panic rose.
The relationships every time ended abruptly. She described her heartbreak as also physical - shaking, nausea, an ache in her chest.
Years later, I met her by accident in a shop and we agreed to have a coffee. Her relationship looked nothing like the previous ones.
She said there were no overwhelming gestures. No rush. No hot and cold treatment.
Her and her partner met for coffee, cooked dinner together, went on long walks. Her partner showed up consistently.
At first, Alice thought something was missing. What was missing wasn’t chemistry. It was nervous-system activation.
She slept well, could focus on work, other importamt relationships, herself. She felt calm with her partner - instead of all-consumed.
As she put it:
“I don't feel anxious or hooked. I feel OK and at peace with my partner.”
When Chemistry Becomes a Trap: The Trauma-Bond Hijack
Love bombing isn’t just intensity. It's intensity embedded in a pattern that gradually undermines autonomy and promotes emotional dependency, whether consciously intended or not.
Once the dopamine-oxytocin loop is established, a pattern often follows:
Withdrawal
Attention drops. Warmth disappears. The nervous system registers threat.
Cortisol spikes
Stress hormones rise. Panic, anxiety and hypervigilance appear.
Intermittent reinforcement
Affection returns unpredictably. Dopamine hits harder because the brain is now “starving.”
The pattern described here - intermittent reinforcement combined with emotional dependence and inconsistent caring can lead to the development of a trauma bond.
This bond isn’t created by weakness. It’s created by nervous-system conditioning.
Oxytocin - meant to support secure bonding becomes exploited, making separation feel physically painful even when the person recognises the harm.
Long-Term Biology: What Happens Over Time
Healthy connection evolves:
Early adrenaline settles
Oxytocin and vasopressin stabilise
The relationship becomes a buffer against stress
The body feels calmer with the person
Love bombing doesn’t stabilise. Because it’s built on ego, control or unmet needs - not mutual regulation. That's why it often:
fizzles out
turns inconsistent
or shifts into devaluation and control
The Nervous-System Question That Changes Everything
Instead of asking: Do they like me?
Ask: Do I feel grounded and expanded or activated and pressured?
Your body knows before your mind catches up.
If You Have Trauma or Anxious Attachment
Your nervous system may associate intensity with safety.
Because once, intensity meant:
attention
connection
emotional safety or survival
This isn’t a flaw- it’s conditioning. We all learn through repeated association.
Becoming aware of these patterns allows us to heal inner wounds and reduce the pull towards relationships that are intense but not truly nurturing or sustainable.
Recognising love-bombing means recognising patterns over time, not doubting your feelings or instincts.
If you’re learning to choose from safety rather than survival, this is the work I do. You don’t have to become colder or shut yourself off, but you may need support in building enough self-awareness, internal safety and trust to make decisions that truly serve you. Love and care,
Dorota
Psychotherapist and Hypnotherapist
Founder of Holistic Transformative Therapy BACP Registered
Get in touch
📱mobile: 07849 580021
📸Insta: @holistictransformativetherapy
📘Facebook: Holistic Transformative Therapy
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